I feel so fucking lost lately. I swing between feeling completely numb and cripplingly sad. ECT didn’t work for me at all. It didn’t improve my mood or my OCD symptoms. Instead, it’s robbed me of memories I had, and the ability to make new memories. It’s kinda terrifying at times. There was one day where I had treatment on Friday and the next thing I knew, I was waking up on Sunday morning with literally no memory of the time in between. Apparently, I was a bit of a zombie, who couldn’t even figure out how to order a pizza without help. I’m told I spent the rest of the time sitting on the couch staring into the abyss. It scares me when I can’t remember things I should know. I have no idea whether these memories will return or whether they’re lost for good. Either way, I’ve decided I won’t continue with any further maintenance treatments. It’s just not worth it.
I’ve also put on a stack of weight since I was prescribed two antipsychotics in addition to Lithium and an antidepressant. All of them have weight gain as a common side effect, so taken together it’s a recipe for fucking disaster, especially when you’re already fat. The thing is, I can’t live without these medications. Without them, I’d be a complete mess. I’m trying really hard to lose weight, but I have at least 40kg to lose. It’s not going to be easy or quick. I need to focus on caring for and loving my body instead of seeing it as an enemy, which is easier said than done, even when you consider yourself body positive in general. I can look at other women with bodies like mine and see beauty in them, but I find it hard to extend that same consideration to myself.
I guess I find it hard to love myself in part because nobody else has loved me in years. You know what it’s like when you hear “I love you” everyday? You feel lovable. Worthy of love, you know? I know love for myself shouldn’t be premised on the affections of someone else, but I think being loved really does help you find love for yourself.
I haven’t been told “I love you” by a romantic partner in years. Maybe ten years? Save the last guy I dated, who I suspect said it more out of lust and excitement than any real heartfelt or soul connection. Not feeling loved in any way makes me question my worth. I know it’s silly to equate it like that, but I’m being completely honest here. I told someone I loved them recently and they just walked away from me. I think that was a bit of a trigger for the self loathing I feel at the moment. Rejection will do that to you. It makes it hard to see any positive qualities in myself, let alone beauty. It’s made me feel ugly on top of the body issues I have, and completely unworthy of attraction or love or kindness. So, I’m trying to work through these feelings. Losing some weight will be something that helps me feel better about myself. It’s less about what I see in the mirror and more about feeling better physically. I’m going to try and start wearing make up again on a regular basis. That’s something that causes me a lot of anxiety and triggers my contamination OCD, so it will be exposure therapy in addition to making myself feel better. I’m hoping these things will help me feel better about myself, because I don’t even want to be seen by anyone at the moment. I just want to hide away from the world. I suppose it can’t make me feel any worse than I already do, that’s for sure.