I’m due to go and get my contraceptive implant removed and replaced next week. I must admit that this time I gave a brief pause before making the appointment. In January I’ll be 36. I’m almost now too old to have kids. Most of the women I know that are my age have two or three children already. They’re winding down their childbearing years. Alternatively, I’ve maintained a child free stance for the last ten years, but I often wonder if I’d have felt the same way if I’d had a loving partner during that time. That said, if I had attempted to have kids it probably would have required artificial insemination due to my Endometriosis. A gynecologist told me when I was young that I’d have until I was 24 to have kids, and after that I’d be unlikely to conceive organically.
I don’t know why I’ve put off getting my implant replaced until now. The last time I saw my doctor, she even asked me about getting my tubes tied as an alternative. I was kind of shocked when she suggested that.  I mean, I’ve maintained that I don’t want kids but I guess it seemed like such a final decision to have that procedure done. I guess I’m 95% childfree, 5% unsure/maybe I’d like to be a mum. I guess I always felt that I didn’t want to be a mother because I didn’t think I’d be a good one. I imagined that I’d be the mum that couldn’t come to school plays because I was anxious, or slept late and couldn’t get them to school on time. My mental illness makes it that I can barely look after myself most of the time, what would I do if I had to care for little people? What if I needed to go into hospital, what would I do? What would happen if I had a psychotic break? I just think of all the negatives and what a burden I’d be to any children I had and I just imagine how unfair it would be on them as they grew up. But then there’s the 5% of me that loves babies and feels a pang of longing when I see my friends enjoying being a parent and that wonders about the kind of loneliness I’ll feel when my parents die and I’m completely alone. No family to celebrate Christmas with, or birthdays to prepare for. No grown children to spend time with. Never being a grandmother. The guilt I feel not making my mother a grandmother, a job she’d amazing at.
I guess it’s all a moot point anyway, given the only man I’d ever consider having children with is with someone else. I can’t imagine finding anyone that I feel that desire for again in this lifetime. It’d take me years to get to that point with someone and by then, my ability to have kids will be completely shot. And I’d never have the money for IVF, so I guess it’s all academic really. I guess it was just something I’ve been thinking about for the last week or so. I went away for a holiday last week and I hung out with my 20 year old cousin and I had this sudden realization that I’m old enough to be her mother. I guess it’s just been something on my mind since then. I guess after I go and get the Implanon I’ll put it at the back of my mind again for the next three years, until I need a new one and I’ll consider my options again then.