You might have noticed I haven’t written as much lately as I had done in the past. It’s not for lack of things to say, but purely not knowing how to say it. You see, since I started my Electroconvulsive Therapy I’ve lost my a lot of my perspicacity. I try reaching for words during a conversation, and I just can’t find them anymore. I’ve never had that problem before. I’ve always been particularly verbose and speaking to people has never been an issue until now. Now during a conversation, I blank completely. I just can’t find the right words and I’m stuck completely. It’s making me feel like a complete idiot. I feel so embarrassed when I can’t articulate what I want to say. I find myself having to describe things so the person I’m speaking to can offer up the right word for me. To give you an example, I went away with my mum last week. I was trying to ask her where her beauty case was so I could borrow it, but I found myself stuck for the words of what I wanted to borrow. I kept having to use my hands to show the size and shape of the beauty case, and describing it as “you know, that thing that opens and closes that you put your stuff in? The one you’ve had forever? You put your make up in it?” Thankfully she knew what I was talking about but I felt so stupid not being able to articulate what it was I wanted. During the week I was speaking to my cousin and I swear I used the phrase “That’s cute” 20 or more times, because I just couldn’t find the right words to express what I wanted to say. It’s the same when I try to write. Thankfully, writing affords me some time to strain my brain for the word I want to use. Additionally, I can use a thesaurus which I’ve found helpful, but it makes me so upset that I need to resort to that. I truly feel like I’ve lost IQ points. I’ve been told that my memory should return over time, but in the meantime, it’s making me feel incredibly stupid. Personally, I don’t think the outcome of the ECT was worth the memories I’ve sacrificed and the loss of verbosity and the embarrassment and concern it’s caused me.
My hands are, also, so incredibly shaky. I think it’s the medications I’m on that’s causing me to shake so bad. Sometimes it gets so out of control I can barely use my computer mouse because I literally can’t control it. I went and had my nails done last week and I had to repeatedly apologize to the woman doing them because I couldn’t keep still. There are times it gets so bad that I fling things out of my hand accidentally. I’m going to talk to my Shrink about it when I see him next week. Perhaps he can review my medication or give me something to help it.
If you have any suggestions on how to fix either problem, I’d be glad to hear them.