I’m struggling today. I ended a friendship of 14 years. It was always a hard relationship to define, but now it’s definition is over. It probably should have been over a long time ago but neither of us could put an end to it. We inevitably kept returning to one another every time we tried. Truthfully, I don’t know how I’m going to cope without this person in my life but I need to resist the urge to be in contact because with the way things are, it’s what’s best for both of us. Admittedly, I’ve never been very good at loss. This friendship that just ended has meant more to me than any other I’ve ever had. I’ve never invested myself in a relationship like I did with this one. I’ve never loved another person like this. I’ve never cared for another person like I did for this person.
I haven’t been great the last few weeks. I had my final ECT and to be honest I don’t think it’s really done that much for me. Today’s the first time I’ve felt anything other than numb in weeks. Today I cried and felt sadness. It’s been the first time I’ve had an appropriate response to a stressor in weeks. I suspect I’ll be feeling this one for a while. Perhaps it’s a good thing I’m going away next week for a holiday by the water so I can take some time to myself to get my head around everything and reconcile some of the feelings it’s bringing up, like loss, abandonment and worthlessness. I might take a notebook and do some writing. That’s always helped me process emotions when I’ve felt overwhelmed by sadness. If I don’t update a lot in the next fortnight, it’s because I’m on holiday, but I’ll try to post when I can.