The last two days my sleep pattern has been way out of whack. I’m sort of looking forward to my hospital stay because that’s where my sleep patterns always even themselves out. I’m in bed by 11 and up at 6.45am-7am at the latest. Normally I’m awake before the nurse pops their head in to say good morning. I don’t know why I have so much trouble when I’m left to my own devices. I’ve always been a night owl, it’s when my brain is most awake and active. I’ve often wished there was some suburb that I could move to that operates at night, and sleeps by day. Just a town for nightowls. I’d fit right in.
Speaking of hospital, I’m kind of torn between being really keen to go and simultaneously, terrified. I know it’s the right thing to do, but it doesn’t make me any less afraid. Not of the Hospital stay itself. I’ve done that enough times that it feels familiar enough to keep my anxiety down to a 5, if 10 is freaked out and 0 is cucumber cool. But I am feeling pretty damn afraid of what I’m there for. I made the mistake of googling ECT, and some of the stuff it brought up talked about brain damage, and the inability to create new memories, wives not being able to remember marrying their spouses, that sort of thing. Not that that’s something I need to worry about, but it gives you an idea of how strong the effects of ECT can be. But then, I also read people raving about it. How it saved their lives, and gave them back their ability to function. I know it’s not going to take away my OCD or my symptoms of Psychosis or my anxiety, but I think if I could get my Depression under control, it might have a big impact on my motivation and the levels of fear I deal with every day. Fear is something that has kept me from achieving so much in my life. I can barely imagine living without it, it’s so ingrained in my being. Can they zap that out of me? God, I hope so. In an ideal world, successful ECT would give me the ability to pursue my passion and make a living out of funeral & end of life photography. Maybe even get into the Funeral industry in some way. Not that I don’t love aged care, but it’s so physical and my back is screwed from an injury a few years back so it’s not really ideal. It would give me back the ability to drive, without constantly having to turn around multiple times and check that the bump I hit wasn’t a person that I killed. I know that’s an OCD thing, but I might get lucky. Maybe it could take away the feeling of self loathing I feel all the time. It would be weird living without that constant nagging voice that tells me repeatedly I’m not good enough. It’s been there as long as I can remember. Shit, maybe I’m just expecting too much out of this whole thing and it does nothing for me, positively or negatively. Maybe I’m one of those people it just doesn’t work for. I guess I’ll find out in six weeks or so. Either way, I’m nervous. Trying to act tough but 12 sessions of seizures (I don’t know if they’re doing uni or bilateral yet) probably isn’t gonna make me feel real shit hot. They say to expect headaches, nausea, sore muscles and jaw. Good times, hey? I just want the whole thing to be over already.
Someone asked where they could send a card, which was really sweet of them. Contact me through my email, or the Contact page on my site and I’ll tell you where I’ll be 🙂