I awoke in the same shitty mood I’d taken to bed last night, but I forced myself out of the house to go shopping with my mum and buy some luggage to take to hospital with me should I need it. If I’m honest with myself, I was a complete prick toward my poor mama today. I just felt so badly that I didn’t want to be seen out in public, or in anybodies company, that I took it out on her. I huffed and tutted a lot as if I had somewhere to be, when in actual fact I just wanted to be finished and head home. I’m sure she couldn’t wait to be done with me when we arrived home. I’ve felt badly about it all day. She doesn’t ever deserve to be on the receiving end of my shitty moods regardless of what I’m stressed or upset about. We talked about ECT today and what she thought of it. What if it doesn’t work? What if I still have to switch medications? Whether it might blank out complete months or weeks of my life or steal memories from me that I’m not willing to give up. But then we discussed about the positives. It might give me some relief from this overwhelming Depression. I might be more inclined to be social when I’m not so focussed on feeling terrible. Perhaps, it’s an absolute miracle and gives me twelve months of regular brain chemistry. I guess my Psychiatrist will have a better idea of what I should do, but unlike a year ago, this time I’m actually open to the idea of ECT if he suggests it. I’d been completely averse to it for a long time. Growing up, I saw all the same images of ‘shock treatment’ that made it look like a barbaric torture that we all did. It wasn’t until I started to go to hospital last year and began to meet individuals that had had ECT performed that I got a better idea of what it was actually like in this day and age. I found out they use anaesthetic. I found out it’s over within 20 minutes. It also gets you breakfast in bed and an excuse not to go to morning group. So, swings and roundabouts. I’ll find out more on Wednesday.