When you’re someone like myself, and have a finite number of close friends, losing one can be absolutely heartbreaking. Especially if that person knows all your most shameful neuroses and insane thoughts, it can feel like losing a limb. Suddenly, what you relied upon for the past decade and a half is no longer there to prop you up. I feel completely lost and grief stricken. To be honest, I didn’t think I could feel worse than I already did. I spent hours last night reading a website that detailed all the most lethal ways to take your own life because I felt so damn bad and yet, somehow tonight I feel even worse. I promised my Mum and my Shrink I wouldn’t do anything to hurt myself, but all the thoughts are there. The desire is there to end this chronic emotional pain I live with everyday, especially on nights like this where my world feels like it’s crashing down around me and taking everything I hold to be true with it. My closest friend leaving me only confirms all the terrible beliefs I have about myself. That I’m hideous and unlovable and unworthy of affection. In turn, my emotions run amok with sadness and loss and grief and manifest themselves physically by making me feel sick to the stomach, crying like a child and my chest is so tight I can barely breathe. To cope, I start to think of ways I can stop the pain…dissociation, drinking, drugs, death. It’s not just the loss of my friend, it’s the loss of what could have been, it’s the state of my life at present, it’s knowing I’m going to have to go back to hospital at some point soon because I can’t hack it in the real world. I think I’m going to call my shrink and organize it tomorrow. It’s not a fun place to be, but it’s a safe place to be when I’m feeling like this. Too many more nights feeling this way and I can’t guarantee my own safety. I’m honestly trying to do my best to stay alive and do the things I need to do like take my medication properly and reach out when I’m feeling overwhelmed, but I can’t help feeling like a burden on the people around me.
It’s no wonder my friend left me. I’d leave me too if I was on the outside looking in.