I can barely keep my hands still and strong enough to type tonight. They’ve been tremoring and shaking most of the day from the anxiety that’s coursing through my body. Yesterday, I made a stupid mistake that’s left me at the mercy of my OCD since. I accidentally coughed into my hand, then without thinking, rubbed my eye. Sounds benign enough, right? Not for me. I’ve spent the last 24 hours fearing I’ve contaminated myself with Ocular Herpes. God, just writing the words makes me feel sick with panic. I know it makes no sense that I should freak out about it, as I don’t have a cold sore and I probably only touched my eye with the side of my palm, but in the last 2 hours, I’ve consulted the mirror 30 times or more. Each time, I peer into my reflection, trying to find a spider vein of redness that could be the beginning of it. I can’t help but notice my right eye looks slightly redder than the left. Everything inside me tells me that this is really happening. It has to be. How could it not be? In the morning, I fear I’ll wake and find my eye blistered and swollen. I’ll be diseased and contaminated and a threat to other people around me. No one will ever be able to love me again, and I’ll live like a complete pariah, alone and disfigured. I feel sick and paralyzed at the thought of it. God, why can’t I stop? When will this ever end? It’s just a constant cycle of checking and waiting and conjuring up the worst scenarios I can imagine. There’s no relief in my checking compulsions any more. It just adds more and more to the anxiety I feel I’ll never escape. For the rest of my life, it’s just going to be me waiting for the impending misery of my obsessions to manifest. Sometimes, a life like this just doesn’t seem worth it.