It’s just gone 6.15am, and I’m still yet to go to bed. I was exhausted all day yesterday, but as soon as evening came, I was overcome with anxious energy, worry and paranoia. They fill my body with an uneasy tension that causes me to hunch my shoulders up close into my neck like an owl, and bounce my left leg up and down, up and down in anticipation. Of what, exactly? I couldn’t tell you, but I feel like if I heard a loud noise behind me, I’d be out of my desk chair like a greyhound and on the run. I feel like I’m waiting for bad news. You know that feeling you get when something isn’t right? Yeah, that.
I’ve smoked 20 odd cigarettes over night, because that’s what I do when I’m anxious. Changed every password to every online account I own because that’s what I do when I’m paranoid. Written on half a dozen yellow post it notes of the things I need to get done this week, which is what I do when I’m worried.  None of those actions have eased my anxiety any, and I’m still searching for a way to hold the difficult feelings gently. I’ve attempted to distract myself, coloured a mindful mandala, and even attempted a progressive body relaxation, but all it seemed to do was draw attention to the horrible rigidity in my limbs and in turn trigger a compulsion I have to flex certain muscle groups. It’s an all over agitation that I can feel deep within my bones, like a deep seated discomfort. Like an itch inside your body that you can’t reach to satisfy. It’s all making me very on edge and uncomfortable, but I know if I went to bed I would just thrash around like a scrambling manatee caught in a rip. Instead, I’m going to try and channel this nervous energy into something productive, like a few loads of washing, or building on the few blog posts I began last night.