I thought I was going into hospital Thursday, so I had one more day to brace myself but I’m actually going in tomorrow at my Shrink’s request because he won’t be in on Thursday. One more day to fuck around and do the same old groups I’ve done three times already, before I have the pleasure of being lit up like a Griswald family roof at Christmas time. I’m just sitting here waiting for my hair to dry before I head for bed and pondering how my admission will go, who I’ll know from prior admissions, how long four weeks exactly is (it’s a long fucking time), how it will cost my Health Insurance 50K+ to cover my stay and how glad I’m not paying out of pocket for it, how unaffordable mental health care is Australia…those type of things. I’m thinking about the enormous amount of clothing that I’ve brought with me this time, and what a bitch it’s going to be putting them all away after the nurses search through my belongings, throwing them all over the bed tomorrow. I’m worried I won’t be able to produce a urine sample because I get pee shy about things like that. I’m getting those first day or two nerves that I always get before I go in. My head is playing all the classics such as “Will anyone like me?”, “Will I have anyone to sit at lunch with?” and the old standard “What if everyone thinks I’m a dick?”
I guess I have frequent flyer cred there now, given it’ll be my fourth admission. That makes me an old timer. I know all the nurses in my ward and I’m friendly with them, which helps. I hope I get this one fabulous overnight nurse that is just the best. She’ll come in and have chocolate and a milo with us on her break. Treats us all like actual real life friends. Some of the nurses treat you like patients and there’s a definite wall of professionality, but then the others, they’re the ones I like. The ones I can tease and banter with who don’t mind that I’m generally the last one to make it to the medication station for night meds because I’m a night owl, even if it puts them out. You get pretty familiar with nurses during a long stay. Each shift, your assigned nurse is meant to seek you out to have a one on one chat with you about how you’re going, how you’re feeling, if you’re at risk of hurting yourself or others. It’s not long before you know the drill and can save them time by giving them the “It’s a 5 out of 10, not hearing voices or seeing stuff that’s not there, anxiety is at a 6, not a risk to anyone or myself” straight off the bat before they even have to ask. It’s not my first time at this rodeo.
I was relieved to hear I have a friend in there at the moment, so I know I’ll at least have someone to cling to in the smokers section for the first few days. I hate that she’s there for her sake, but I love it selfishly because it makes me less anxious. Our last stay together, we were always the last ones to get to bed and we’d stay up in the lounge chatting about all kinds of ridiculous things and then other times, we’d talk about things that really touched both of us. I love that we have that connection. She’s a really amazing woman and I’m feeling so lucky to be able to see her tomorrow. Plus, I’ll get to see my friends I haven’t seen in months when they come for the Day Program and sneak in. I’m really excited about that. Nervous as shit about ECT but happy to see some familiar faces. Well, how familiar they’ll be after ECT is another question but the idea is the same. If they liked me the first time, I’m sure we’ll get along again the second, and third etc
Okay, so this is me signing off. I don’t know what the internet situation will be like tomorrow so for now, it’s goodnight from me. Feel free to follow me on Instagram for updates if I can’t update this page every day.